Locked in (manic edition)

It's all black or white here, baby

If you’ve read my other articles, you know I’m in a tricky-ass situation. A wicked vibe tribulation. A sticky mind simulation.

I’m living with a man I like a lot, but who semi-regularly makes me feel stupid, used, and taken for granted. It’s a position I have maintained for a couple of years, due to financial reasons (he pays for everything) and a general desire to do it for the plot (self-explanatory).

He is much older than me, and we met in a different country, where we both enjoyed a very different lifestyle. Things were fun back then, light. Putting up with his bullshit at times was part of the big, glamorous package – and it was worth it.

Now, we’re back in London, and things have sort of flattened. Instead of going to lavish parties or jet-setting around to whichever location shows the best weather forecast, we’re going to the office.

At first, we tried to maintain a sense of the freedom and adventure we were both so accustomed to. We went to nice restaurants, drank expensive champagne, dragged our parties out for days to postpone the dreadful realisation that we’d soon be heading back to work.

I felt depressed re-entering the workforce after years of being a hot-single-traveller/stay-at-home girlfriend. The freedom of movement I was used to, the spontaneity that fuels my whole personality (I’m an Aries), was ripped away from under my feet.

Instead of living my life, I now had to conform to other people’s schedules, including the mundane movements of my boyfriend.

Before you ask: yes, I could have chosen to stay home here too. But I want freedom, remember? And regardless of how free one feels while liberated from labour, there is no bigger cage for a woman than financial dependence.

It was fun for a while, sure. But the time had come for me to do what I do best: start an entirely new life from scratch.

Step 1: Taking control of your body

There is a reason why people develop eating disorders when they feel out of control in other parts of their lives. Your body is one of the few things in life you actually can control (obviously excluding chronic diseases, etc. don’t come at me with stupid shit pls, you know what I mean).

I want to preface this by saying that, except for the benders, the smoking, the endless traveling, the periods of no exercise or routine, the street food, pills, tequila, and rendezvous with random men in Italy, I have, for the past 7 years, taken quite good care of my body.

I’ve been exercising in periods. I haven’t been overeating or snacking on sweets or chips. In the last couple of years especially, I’ve stopped smoking, improved my routines, and introduced some new supplements and beauty treatments.

All this to say that what I’m about to spill is a pretty intense routine. But as someone who is looking to change my whole life, I knew I had to start strong if I was going to do anything at all. So, this is where I’m at now.

My daily routine

6:00 – wake up, no phone, make bed, get dressed in active wear, wash face

6:15 - make breakfast while wearing LED-mask for 10 mins: rye toast with cottage cheese, veggies, protein yoghurt with chia seeds, berries, coffee (supplements: collagen, creatine, Omega-3, Vitamin D)

6:45 – bf drives me to the gym right next to work, check phone for the first time

7:00-9:00 – strength training at gym + 15 minute sauna, shower and get ready

9:00–12:00 – work

12:00–12:45 – home-made lunch: sweet potato, cottage cheese, chicken, salad + lots of water (supplement: zinc)

12:45–17:00 – work, snack only on fruit or coffee, bf picks me up and drives me home

17:30–19:00 - repack gym bag, wash tupperware, do laundry, prep tomorrow’s breakfast and lunch while bf cooks dinner

19:00 – home made dinner: steak/chicken/fish with veggies and some carbs

20:00 – put laundry in dryer, glass of fresh water on the bedside table, then nighttime routine: skincare (retinol, glycolic acid, hyaluronic acid, toners, moisturizers on alternating days), brush teeth + floss, maybe chill on the couch for a minute

21:00 - get into bed, put on silk bonnet, take 2 x magnesium, set alarm (on an actual alarm clock), journal or plan my future, maybe check Substack, maybe meditate or use the Shakti mat for 15 minutes, or read

22:00 – put phone on charge away from my bedside table (non-negotiable), if not tired: read more, and then sleep

Evidently, being a sporty-spice has become my entire personality. But I think it has to be this way if I’m going to be strong enough – physically and mentally – to leave.

The version of me that drinks alcohol, doesn’t exercise, sleeps and eats poorly, and suffers from anxiety and depressive episodes is not the version that will make it out of here and build a whole new life for herself.

The version that follows this healthy yet somewhat manic regimen might.

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Weekly workout schedule:

Monday: strength training (full body)

Tuesday: reformer pilates

Wednesday: tennis

Thursday: strength training (full body)

Friday: rest day

Saturday: padel/tennis/walk

Sunday: restorative yoga

My goal is to build up to 3-4 strength sessions per week. Longevity, baby!

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If you’re wondering why I require a boot camp that would put the US Army to shame just to leave my boyfriend, it is this: my dependence on men is incredibly intertwined with my sense of self.

I’ve always done this. Since I was a kid, I’ve been looking for validation, love, protection, and attention from men. All the things I felt were lacking in my family life, no doubt. (My parents were nice; it’s not that. They were just emotionally detached.)

So, if I’m going to do this properly and not just run into the arms of another man, I have to be strong in every sense of the word.

It’s so easy for me to run. Run, run, run. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember.

It’s even easier to find a man to take care of me, adore me, and pay for my things. But where does it leave me? In the same loop again and again. It’s a trap, my girls. A TRAP.

I’m 33 years old. If I don’t break the pattern now, I don’t think I ever will.

As for the next steps, they are:

2. Take control of your mind

3. Make + save money

But I truly believe that by completing step 1, the subsequent steps will follow automatically. I mean, I know for a fact that step 3 follows step 2.

But I think step 1 is key to step 2, so that’s where we must start. It’s basic girl-math.

Essentially, by building a strong, healthy, emotionally regulated body, I’ll take better control of my mind, which will ultimately determine my reality- including my ability to make and retain money. And that is how I will finally be free.

Now, if you’ve read this far, I suspect you too are slightly manic about your health journey. Go ahead, drop your most unhinged routine in the comments.